Life's Deja Vu: Why Do We Keep Making the Same Mistakes Over and Over Again?
Everyone knows that feeling: we find ourselves in a situation that has happened before. We choose unreliable partners again, take on an unmanageable workload at work again, and get into debt again. It feels like life is an endless labyrinth where we keep coming back to the same dead end. We blame ourselves for being foolish or chalk it all up to bad luck, but we rarely consider that deep psychological reasons lie behind this "cycle." In reality, repeating negative patterns are not a coincidence but the result of unconscious behaviors that govern our decisions and actions.
From a psychological point of view, repeating the same mistakes is a kind of "life script" that we wrote for ourselves in childhood, based on our first experiences. Our psyche strives for stability and predictability, even if that stability is negative. By repeating familiar patterns, we are in a "comfort zone" because it's known and understood, even if it brings pain. Thus, a person who was betrayed in childhood will, in adulthood, repeatedly choose partners who might betray them. They don't do this consciously; their subconscious simply "recognizes" the familiar pattern and directs them in the same direction.
These patterns can be related to different areas of life—from relationships to finances. For example, a person who grew up in an emotionally cold environment may unconsciously seek out equally cold partners, as this is the "norm" for relationships for them. Or a person who was constantly criticized for mistakes will choose jobs where they will be constantly devalued, as this is a familiar form of interaction for them.
Three Main Reasons for Repeating Patterns
To break the vicious cycle, you need to understand what drives it. We'll highlight three main reasons that cause us to keep making the same mistakes.
- Unprocessed emotions. Every trauma, every disappointment leaves a "trace" in our psyche. If we haven't processed these emotions (anger, resentment, pain), they continue to affect us from within. Our psyche may push us to repeat the traumatic situation in the hope that this time we can "fix" the past and finally process those emotions completely.
- Internal beliefs and convictions. Many of our beliefs about ourselves and the world were formed in childhood and are often not conscious. For example, if you are convinced that "all men cheat," you will subconsciously look for confirmation of this belief, ignoring those who could disprove it.
- Fear of change and the unknown. Even if the current pattern brings us pain, it is familiar and predictable. We know what awaits us. But breaking out of this pattern is a step into the unknown. It's scary. And our brain, in an effort to protect us, will subconsciously sabotage our attempts to change anything so that we remain in the "safe" zone.
Becoming aware of these reasons is already half the battle. It allows you to stop blaming yourself for failures and begin to treat your situation with understanding and compassion.
How to Break the Vicious Cycle: A Step-by-Step Guide
Getting out of repeating negative patterns is not a quick process. It requires awareness, patience, and a readiness for change. Here are a few steps to help you get started.
1. Become Aware of and Name Your Pattern
The first and most important step is to admit that you're going in circles. Recall your past failures in a certain area of life. Try to find commonalities in them. For example, "I constantly choose partners who aren't ready for a serious relationship" or "I constantly choose jobs where I'm not valued." By naming your pattern, you will take away some of its power over you.
2. Find the Root of the Problem
Now that you've named your pattern, try to find its source. Ask yourself these questions:
- When did I first encounter a situation like this?
- What did I feel at that moment?
- What lessons did I learn from that experience?
You may find that your pattern is related to some childhood trauma or negative belief. For example, that "love is always painful" or that "I have to constantly prove my worth."
3. Adjust Your Actions
Now that you understand what drives you, start acting in a new way. Start with small steps. If you tend to choose unreliable partners, intentionally choose a person who seems "too boring" but is reliable. If you tend to take on other people's problems at work, start saying "no" to colleagues who ask for help. These small actions will destroy old patterns and create new, healthier ones.
4. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the key to changing habitual patterns. When you encounter a situation that reminds you of the past, stop. Ask yourself: "Why am I reacting this way? Is this my true reaction or is it an old pattern?" This will help you break the automatic reaction and make a conscious choice. Practice this every day.
5. Build New, Healthy Relationships
Surround yourself with people who support you and give you a sense of security. Spend time with people who live differently and learn from them. Their example will help you understand that there are other, healthier life patterns. This can be through spending time with friends or working with a psychologist.
A life where you keep making the same mistakes is not a life sentence. It's just a script that can be rewritten. By becoming aware of it, you will gain power over your future and can finally get out of a temporary black streak to start a new, happier life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over?
This happens due to unconscious "life scripts" that we form as early as childhood. Our psyche strives for stability and subconsciously chooses familiar situations, even if they cause pain. For example, a person accustomed to criticism in their family may subconsciously seek a job where their achievements are devalued because that is their familiar norm. To break this cycle, you need to recognize your hidden patterns and start acting contrary to your old habits.
How do I know if I am self-sabotaging my success?
The primary sign of self-sabotage is making foolish mistakes or feeling the urge to quit at the most critical moment. You may chronically delay important tasks (procrastination) or leave projects unfinished at the "nearly there" stage. This is often accompanied by a sense of discomfort when receiving praise and a tendency to look for external enemies to blame for your failures. If you notice these recurring patterns, it is a signal that your subconscious fears success more than defeat.
Why can success be more frightening than failure?
Success always involves stepping out of your comfort zone and moving into uncharted territory, which can be daunting due to its uncertainty. Achievements bring new responsibilities and high expectations from others that a person may not feel ready for. Additionally, there is often a fear of losing friends due to envy or a subconscious belief that "standing out is dangerous." Consequently, the brain chooses a familiar "black streak," as it feels safer and more predictable.
Is it possible to get out of a prolonged black streak on my own?
Yes, it is possible through conscious work on your internal beliefs and actions. Start by acknowledging your fear or negative script, giving it a specific name. Then, try taking small, unfamiliar actions: for instance, say "no" to an excessive workload or follow through on a minor task. Gradually, such wins will form new neural pathways and help you emerge from the crisis.
What should I do if I feel like a fraud when achieving results?
This is a manifestation of "imposter syndrome," where a person believes their success is purely accidental. To manage this, start documenting your actual merits and the skills that led to your goal. Stop making excuses when you are praised and simply accept the gratitude. Gradually acknowledging your contribution will help your subconscious get used to the fact that you rightfully deserve success.
How do childhood traumas affect our adult failures?
Childhood experiences form the filters through which we view the world and make decisions. If you faced betrayal or emotional coldness as a child, your subconscious will "recognize" and choose similar partners in adult life. Traumas also leave behind unprocessed emotions that compel us to return to similar situations again and again in hopes of "fixing" the past. Realizing the root of the problem helps you stop blaming yourself and begin changing the script.
Do I need to change my social circle to change my life?
Yes, the support of like-minded people is critical for reinforcing new habits. Surround yourself with individuals who have already achieved success and share your values so you can see a positive example of a different life script. If your current environment pulls you back or feeds your fears, it will sabotage any attempts at growth. A support group provides the sense of security necessary to step out of your comfort zone.
How long does it take to break the vicious cycle of failure?
This process is individual, but the first noticeable shifts occur after 2-3 weeks of regularly practicing new actions. Since old patterns took years to form, replacing them entirely may require several months of systematic work. It is important not to expect an instant miracle but to focus on small daily victories over yourself. Stable life changes are usually consolidated within six months of conscious effort.
We've thoroughly explored how chronic failures are not a coincidence, but rather a consequence of internal beliefs and behavioral patterns. We've analyzed their roots and discussed practical steps to overcome them. But what do you do next? How do you translate this knowledge into real changes in your life? I once found myself in a similar situation, where I had a lot of theoretical knowledge, but my life wasn't getting any better. This is what prompted me to create the step-by-step guide «The Labyrinth of Life». This book is a practical guide that will help you not only understand the causes of your failures but also start acting to get out of a «black streak» once and for all and get your life on track. To begin your journey toward change, simply go back to the very beginning, to the «Introduction» section.
