When You Are Not Heard: How to Talk About Your Feelings During a Difficult Period
Difficult periods in life are painful to go through alone, but it is even more painful when you try to share your pain with loved ones and in response, you hear: «Just get a grip on yourself,» «That happens to everyone,» or «You're just being lazy.» Instead of support, you get a lack of understanding, which makes you feel even more lonely and isolated. It feels as if the wall between you and your family is getting thicker. But the reason for such behavior is often not indifference, but an inability to understand and accept another's pain. So how do you build a bridge over this wall and get it across to your loved ones that you are really not okay?
Why Don't They Understand?
Before you try to change their reaction, it's important to understand why it is what it is. Understanding their motives will help you reduce your feeling of resentment and approach the conversation with greater empathy.
- Lack of personal experience. It's possible that your loved ones have never experienced a similar state. They simply have nothing to compare it to, and their brain cannot imagine what it is like to live in a state of constant apathy or anxiety. To them, these are just words, not real, heavy feelings.
- Fear and helplessness. It is very difficult to watch a loved one suffer. It causes a feeling of helplessness. To defend against this feeling, people may unconsciously devalue your problems. It's easier to say «it's nothing» than to admit that they don't know how to help.
- «Good» intentions. Often, phrases like «everything will be fine» or «just get a grip on yourself» are not a malicious desire to devalue but an clumsy attempt to cheer you up. The person sincerely wants to help but doesn't know how to do it correctly and uses clichéd but useless phrases.
- Different «languages of pain.» We all experience and express emotions differently. What is a deep wound to you may be an insignificant scratch to them. And this doesn't mean they are bad people; they just don't know how to decipher your «language of pain.»
The Main Principle: Don't Blame, but Inform
The biggest mistake in such a conversation is to start it with accusations: «You don't understand me!», «You don't care!». This immediately triggers a defensive reaction, and the person stops listening to you. Your task is not to make them feel guilty, but to help them understand your condition. Shift the focus from «You don't understand me» to «I feel...»
A Step-by-Step Guide for a Difficult Conversation
To make the conversation effective and lead to the desired result, prepare for it in advance. Here are a few tips that will help you.
1. Choose the Right Time and Place
Don't start this conversation when you are on edge and your interlocutor is busy or tired. Find a time when you are both calm and a place that is private. It's best to say: «I need to talk to you about something important. When would be a good time for you?»
2. Use «I-Statements»
Instead of accusations, talk about your feelings. This technique helps avoid conflict and focus on your pain. For example:
- Instead of «You're not listening to me,» say: «I feel lonely when I can't share my feelings.»
- Instead of «You're devaluing my problems,» say: «When I hear the phrase "just get a grip on yourself," I feel that my feelings are unimportant.»
- Instead of «You don't understand how hard this is for me,» say: «I feel exhausted, and I don't have the strength for even simple tasks.»
3. Be Specific
«I feel bad» is too abstract. Help them understand exactly what is happening to you, using specific examples.
- «I can't fall asleep at night, and it's exhausting me.»
- «I have lost interest in my hobbies, and it frightens me.»
- «I have trouble concentrating at work; I feel constantly tired.»
Specificity makes your pain tangible and understandable to another person.
4. State What You Need
People often don't know how to help and therefore say the wrong thing. Help them by directly stating what you need. It can be anything:
- «I just need you to listen to me without giving advice.»
- «I feel lonely. Can you just sit with me?»
- «I lack support. Can you help me with this?»
5. Set Realistic Expectations
Understand that even after the most candid conversation, your loved ones may not understand you 100%. That's normal. But they can become your allies. The goal of the conversation is not to make them feel the same way you do, but to find support in them that will help you cope. By admitting that you are in a black streak and starting this conversation, you are already taking the first and most important step toward healing, as you are gaining support.
The ability to talk about your pain is not a sign of weakness, but a manifestation of immense inner strength. When you learn to open up and ask for help, you will understand that loneliness is just an illusion, and the people who love you are truly ready to be there for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do those close to me dismiss my problems with phrases like "just start doing something"?
Most often, this happens out of fear and a sense of helplessness rather than a lack of love. Seeing your suffering is difficult, and it is easier for a person to use a clichéd phrase than to admit they don't know how to truly help. Sometimes, relatives simply lack similar life experience and physically cannot imagine the weight of your condition.
How do I properly start a conversation about my feelings so that I am not interrupted?
It is important to choose a suitable time and place in advance, when both parties are calm and not in a rush. It is best to make an arrangement beforehand by saying: "I need to discuss something important with you; when would be convenient for you?". Begin the conversation not with grievances, but by describing your internal state using "I-statements."
What are "I-statements" and how do I use them in practice?
This is a technique where you speak only about your own feelings without directly blaming the other person. Instead of saying "You aren't listening to me," use the construction: "I feel lonely when I can't share my experiences." This helps avoid a defensive reaction from your loved one and makes the conversation constructive.
How can I explain that I am struggling if I don't understand the cause of my pain myself?
Try to be as specific as possible and describe the physical or everyday manifestations of your state. Say directly: "I feel constantly exhausted," "I don't have the energy for hobbies," or "I can't sleep properly." Concrete examples make your pain tangible to others, even if the deep-seated cause is not yet clear.
What should I do if my relatives still don't fully understand me after the conversation?
You need to set realistic expectations and accept the fact that one-hundred-percent understanding is not always possible. The main goal of such a dialogue is to find allies in your loved ones and gain support, not to force them to feel the same way. The mere fact that you opened up is already a huge step toward emerging from the crisis.
How can I ask for help without it looking like complaining or whining?
Speak directly about what specific action from your loved one would bring you relief. For example: "I need you to just listen to me without giving advice" or "Can you just sit next to me?". Clear instructions help those around you understand their role and stop giving useless recommendations.
Is it possible to handle a difficult period alone without involving the family?
Living in isolation during a "black streak" is much more painful and difficult than living with support. Loneliness is often an illusion, and the people who love you are usually ready to help if you teach them the right way to communicate. The ability to ask for help is a sign of your internal strength, not weakness.
Should I see a professional if talking to loved ones doesn't help?
If a state of apathy, anxiety, or loss of interest in life persists, professional help may be necessary. Loved ones can provide emotional support, but they lack the tools for deep psychological processing of problems. The combination of family support and working with a psychologist is the most effective path to healing.
How long does a "black streak" in life usually last?
The duration of a difficult period is individual and depends on how quickly you begin to act and seek support. It can last for several weeks or many months if you try to endure everything alone. It is important to remember that acknowledging the problem and starting a dialogue with others is the first step toward ending a prolonged crisis.
We've discussed how the inability to explain your pain is not a result of a lack of love from your loved ones, but rather a result of an inability to communicate correctly. Understanding these reasons is, of course, an important step. But what do you do next? How do you translate this knowledge into real changes in your life? I myself was once in a similar situation where I had a lot of theoretical knowledge, but my life was not getting better. This is what prompted me to create the step-by-step guide «The Labyrinth of Life.» This book is a practical guide that will help you not just understand the causes of your pain and loneliness, but also start acting to break free from the «black streak» once and for all and get your life on track. To begin your journey toward change, simply go to the very beginning, to the «Introduction» section.
