When You Are Not Heard: How to Talk About Your Feelings During a Difficult Period

Difficult periods in life are painful to go through alone, but it is even more painful when you try to share your pain with loved ones and in response, you hear: «Just get a grip on yourself,» «That happens to everyone,» or «You're just being lazy.» Instead of support, you get a lack of understanding, which makes you feel even more lonely and isolated. It feels as if the wall between you and your family is getting thicker. But the reason for such behavior is often not indifference, but an inability to understand and accept another's pain. So how do you build a bridge over this wall and get it across to your loved ones that you are really not okay?

Why Don't They Understand?

Before you try to change their reaction, it's important to understand why it is what it is. Understanding their motives will help you reduce your feeling of resentment and approach the conversation with greater empathy.

• Lack of personal experience. It's possible that your loved ones have never experienced a similar state. They simply have nothing to compare it to, and their brain cannot imagine what it is like to live in a state of constant apathy or anxiety. To them, these are just words, not real, heavy feelings.
• Fear and helplessness. It is very difficult to watch a loved one suffer. It causes a feeling of helplessness. To defend against this feeling, people may unconsciously devalue your problems. It's easier to say «it's nothing» than to admit that they don't know how to help.
• «Good» intentions. Often, phrases like «everything will be fine» or «just get a grip on yourself» are not a malicious desire to devalue but an clumsy attempt to cheer you up. The person sincerely wants to help but doesn't know how to do it correctly and uses clichéd but useless phrases.
• Different «languages of pain.» We all experience and express emotions differently. What is a deep wound to you may be an insignificant scratch to them. And this doesn't mean they are bad people; they just don't know how to decipher your «language of pain.»

The Main Principle: Don't Blame, but Inform

The biggest mistake in such a conversation is to start it with accusations: «You don't understand me!», «You don't care!». This immediately triggers a defensive reaction, and the person stops listening to you. Your task is not to make them feel guilty, but to help them understand your condition. Shift the focus from «You don't understand me» to «I feel...»

A Step-by-Step Guide for a Difficult Conversation

To make the conversation effective and lead to the desired result, prepare for it in advance. Here are a few tips that will help you.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

Don't start this conversation when you are on edge and your interlocutor is busy or tired. Find a time when you are both calm and a place that is private. It's best to say: «I need to talk to you about something important. When would be a good time for you?»

2. Use «I-Statements»

Instead of accusations, talk about your feelings. This technique helps avoid conflict and focus on your pain. For example:

• Instead of «You're not listening to me,» say: «I feel lonely when I can't share my feelings.»
• Instead of «You're devaluing my problems,» say: «When I hear the phrase "just get a grip on yourself," I feel that my feelings are unimportant.»
• Instead of «You don't understand how hard this is for me,» say: «I feel exhausted, and I don't have the strength for even simple tasks.»

3. Be Specific

«I feel bad» is too abstract. Help them understand exactly what is happening to you, using specific examples.

• «I can't fall asleep at night, and it's exhausting me.»
• «I have lost interest in my hobbies, and it frightens me.»
• «I have trouble concentrating at work; I feel constantly tired.»

Specificity makes your pain tangible and understandable to another person.

4. State What You Need

People often don't know how to help and therefore say the wrong thing. Help them by directly stating what you need. It can be anything:

• «I just need you to listen to me without giving advice.»
• «I feel lonely. Can you just sit with me?»
• «I lack support. Can you help me with this?»

5. Set Realistic Expectations

Understand that even after the most candid conversation, your loved ones may not understand you 100%. That's normal. But they can become your allies. The goal of the conversation is not to make them feel the same way you do, but to find support in them that will help you cope. By admitting that you are in a black streak and starting this conversation, you are already taking the first and most important step toward healing, as you are gaining support.

The ability to talk about your pain is not a sign of weakness, but a manifestation of immense inner strength. When you learn to open up and ask for help, you will understand that loneliness is just an illusion, and the people who love you are truly ready to be there for you.

We've discussed how the inability to explain your pain is not a result of a lack of love from your loved ones, but rather a result of an inability to communicate correctly. Understanding these reasons is, of course, an important step. But what do you do next? How do you translate this knowledge into real changes in your life? I myself was once in a similar situation where I had a lot of theoretical knowledge, but my life was not getting better. This is what prompted me to create the step-by-step guide «The Labyrinth of Life.» This book is a practical guide that will help you not just understand the causes of your pain and loneliness, but also start acting to break free from the «black streak» once and for all and get your life on track. To begin your journey toward change, simply go to the very beginning, to the «Introduction» section.